what's more scary than living like this?

There comes a time where I want to escape with everything I had now.

I have this sick feeling almost everyday.

It's getting worse and I can't do anything to it.

I tried to solve it on my own and give solution as much as posible to remain ok even though I'm broken already.

This doubts, fear, trouble I had now is more bigger than

anything, anything I've ever encountered.

I don't want them to understand me.

Perhaps they really gone mad at me for trying to understand.

They probably think I'm pushing them away from me,

But in this journey - I know it's ONLY me who can help myself.

Help - it's everywhere I look and turn!

But when can I actually learn and do things on my own?

Even how helpless I might be now..

I still don't like talking about what's on me, what's stopping me

to be happy and be almost normal.

Have a little faith...i could still make it!

every moment is at stake,

so I'll do my best to make it just how i wanted it to be!

GAPS and in Between..

hard to start all of this all over again so i'll be filling huge gaps

between the last post I had till today.

There's so many things happened back there and I'm now so lazy to

recall it back..*Sorry

I don't know - I didn't feel like typing back there

and whatever that reason was, be my guest to guess hehe ;)

But I think I'll have to post my bday though *winks

That was quite memorable actually and I have few photos

to explain and it was a tragedy at the same time happiness celebration.

Well it's a start again of some post here.

Honestly, I miss this too.

But this time I won't do alot of it till i had my defense

on our thesis this week.

It's a BIG day so goodluck on me!!

go! go! go!

so..i was just tired.

so it was supper dupeer long story to tell what the hell just happened to me

since it was midterm exam.

I had a hell of days and weeks to be honest.

A fracture of mine wants to blow now.

Perhaps I am already tired of how things happened.

I can't blame no one or a thing because my life

has been like this since I knew the "hard" word itself.

wanna know briefly what happened?

HERE:

- I fought alot actually.

- I get pissed a hundred times.

- I was forced to do things I don't.

- I lose my temper to Cj.

- I cried gallons of tears.

- I didn't remember any of my friends to txt.

- I suddenly felt not listening to my classes.

- I talk with my mom with always a bad signal- stupid phone!

- Tita kat get hospitalized - and I look after her.

( I tell you she's not so easy to look after for she can demand everything!!)

-Joan finally give birth and while i just arrived in

the hospital, tita kat asked me to go back for she wanted to get hospitalized too!

- My brain went freak!

- I needed to had some absents - which gives me a

horrible situation in school.

- I didn't sleep much and well.

- My eyes got a ring of black and poping out!

- Dry skin. Dry mind. Dry hair - sh***

- Pissed by how my patient wants junky in the middle of the night!

- Got wet by the rain twice in the middle of the night and at 3am

for that pantyliner and greenwich!

- too messy house no one will clean except me ofcourse.

- cousins fighting!

so did you think I collapse in that?..

no, actually not.

I felt to do it..but no seriously it'll worsen everything

if I give up already.Tire

all of them were finish and there's nothing

to whine or get mad anymore.

I'M JUST TIRED.

exhausted but still doing what I do after.

Tired but you cannot do anything if you stop moving because

you are tired.

I know, sounds crazy - maybe I am.

Well one month to go I'm sensing my birthday is

not so happy this year.

date before midterm!~

ohhlala i feel a lot better now Cj came here this sunday :)

I think I'll have a full-charged energy to prepare for my midterm!! yoshh!

we had our lunch at Graceland!

got some *Lechon Kawali with **Bicol express and ***Pork Adobo.

(we had pork today because both of us had Fish and veggies the whole weekdays)

this huge turtle-shaped bread we bought for breakfast along with pandesal

fascinate us on how we're going to eat it~

before watching "the expandables" movie..
acting angelina jolie huh? lol

*this is a pork deep fried to crisp and one of the best dish i love

**original recipe of Bicolanos or "people from south Luzon" which is usually small shrimp spiced and saute in garlic and onion with coconut milk and simmer hmm yum!. This is really really spicy!

***Filipino's delicacy. Every Filipino knows how to cook it. With hundred of versions but very delicious - a must try for foreign people^^

eye defect (0.o))

I was scheduled to get my glasses today.

The other week I have to cancel it due to the delay of our program to be

be passed at exactly 6pm so the clinic was closed already.

The doctor texted me to come by anytime I'm free because

it was already paid and so no hassle.

But seriously it took 4 days before I got this XD
I think I was pretty scared how thick it was going to be!!
My left eye gotten worse and the right is starting to be bad so he really insist
me on wearing this in school or whenever I'm on the screen doing my
thing or even watching TV's so here I am goofing around(As always)
and wearing it on the first day^^

portrait and randomness photo :)

i was planning to have a self portrait painting this year.

Though every year I make a painting this time I would try portaits.

I haven't tried it though. I only use pencil or charcoal in portraits.

I was too scared to mess with it.

So here are the possible option.

this one is what I pick at the moment :)

LOL :)
Forgive me with this, this is not a portrait I want to draw haha
just goofing around after some long minutes taking photos of
myself (that's so tiring actually)
this is the second to the best I want:)

but we'll see what will I draw it's not the end of the year yet.

though I wanted it to be finish before the year changes :)

endless Love - K. Will and Charice Pempengco

yeah boy!..i feel really inlove with this duet!

and with sexy K. Will and AWESOME Charice -blow!

yup! it will blow you away!..wew

just had goosebumps again!

like I always watch Charice in Youtube everyday!

hohohoho everyday!!

and even I can't help myself from watching it all over again.

hay MABUHAY KA CHARICE!

You deserve everything you had today.

God bless you always. I know how humble you are

please stay that way.

Tweet me: pearlyShoii

hahaha i've finished cooking ok?

3 more to go..

i forgot to sign up here.

I think I've planned this more than facebook itself but somehow

I don't find it amusing to me though I wanted to follow other tweets~

how's that?

so I finally have a Twitter account and u can tweet

heres the link :

http://twitter.com/pearlyShoii

me anytime..feel free to add me then :)

lets tweeeeeeeeeetttt!!

woohh ang kamay ko di mapakali!

di mapakali sa kakaguhit!!

yeah the whole day when i woke up, at school, after school, lunch,

meryenda break, and now before dinner

I'm still stuck on this paper and pencil colors

and I'm wondering when will I stop?..

this is what I hate bout me starting to draw- it's non-stop!

cmon joy, you have:

1. assignments (3) to do

2. laundry uniform to wash

3. cook dinner(fish tonight)

4. clean your messy desk!

"wew glad it's just four of them haha I used to have 10 plus on my list!!"

*move move away form you laptop!!!

i remember my grandma..

Going Home Video

this is very touching..it moved me and made my tears fall like hell!

pls watch it and reconsider what you do to your elders.

credits to: Carla Antonio video.

Fixing...

We did talked almost four hours on what we don't understand.
It's pretty late already we started 1:18am and ended up at 4:10am..
All those time mostly I was the one who talked and cried.
He didn't.
He told me to end here.
It was too painful that I stopped crying.
My mind went blank and for a moment there was this silence so loud.

I thought there was no way I could help this.
But suddenly something whispers in my mind what to tell him.
I did. I told him what I heard.
He stopped blaming, he seems to get what I said.
I think I just hit what he was suppose to hear.
And reminded him what we both promise to remember.
And when the time he suddenly forgot it, he asked me before to
let me remind him again what he can't think when he's mad.

So by that, it started to fix.
We have a new batch of conditions so we
wont' be able to end on this again.
I stopped crying after almost 3 hours.
I was all helpless a while ago. What was that voice in my head?
God? Mamang? did you just help me?
thank you so much if YOU did.

This was just one of the thousand fight we'll handle right?
PLease make me strong. I don't want to give up in just a single blow.

colors~

I dyed my hair back to black.

It was originally black and I've been trying new colors on my hair.

From chestnut to red, semi-blonde to chocolate color..

this time I'm back in asian hair haha because I am LOL~

I was also having fun making this drawing for my friend Jepaps : )

this was something good for me I guess.

Thinking too much how will I get Cj talk with me is not so good for me.

I have so much to do although these things really break all of it.

Exams are next week. Midterm. Gosh gives me headaches!

i'll sleep early tonight. I don't want to think of all bad stuff^^,

have a goodnight everyone~

Fight

...protecting me is not easy right?

I know how much you care on what I'm up to now.

Sometimes I can't really escape helping..but I know you would understand all of this.

my Family: they're always like that all this 20 years I am in this world -
they NEVER changed for what I am to them.

thank you for PROTECTING me hon.

I hope tomorrow you're not mad anymore.

I LOVE YOU AS ALWAYS :)

almost there..

waa..they grew so fast!..

I'm still thinking if I CAN adopt this. It's like there's still fear on me.

This two are the choices. The brown was a bit bigger but a cry-baby,

while the spotty one seems to like me already and so still.hehe this young mother here is my sister and on her 8th month of pregnancy.

She said she'll be due this september.

YEah He's a baby BOY!!

We're all happy about it. I'll be aunt soon haha! :)

Almost there baby..please cooperate with mommy and come out in

this world normally. Your mom is really scared of cesarian.

I am too. Please come out safe-- we love you dear :) me and cj visited her and treat her Jollibee

when we got in Basud and talked funny things on her experience

as a new wife + soon-to-be mom.

We were all laughing hard because she reminds us bout

JUNO- the girl in the movie who also got pregnant

they had the almost the same attitude, so imagine haha.

She was happy at the same time the baby kicks too.

woah maybe he also loves Jollibee!! XD

i'm dead!

ok this week we went for a:

FRUIT DATE & ICE CREAM^^

I was surprise today he went earlier and we were both jumping badly

because today is just friday.

Guess what "lie" he made?

He told his mother I was ill and he needed to take care of me.

SHOOOoo!!!

I was like screaming because he wasn't suppose to do that

but what you know, he started hugging me and kissing me non-stop

and told me he really misses me so he can't help to come already.

yay! so sweeett!!

this is 1 kilo of different kind of fruits plus cream and jelly - yummm!!

here is the Choco Almond Fudge - he's eating my leftovers :)

and some more kisses after eating..tralalalala

so in loooooveeeee!!

the next morning i had to convince him doing this :P

yup he don' want pictures of him.

well because he LOVES me, he'll make an exemption!

Happy Birthday Little Miss Coco^^

Happy Birthday coco^^,

I'm glad she haven't forgot me haha this half-japanese, half-pinay blood classmate

of mine in elementary who's really PINAY IN HEART

added another year on her age today.

She maybe small like me but she has done so many accomplishment

in life and I'm sure most of the people who knows her acknowledge

her dedication in gymnastic, academics, arts and photography.

She had a simple life and struggles like anyone else.

I cannot be always by her side like her close friends were to

tell you all this but a year spent with her still remains

on me even I can only sees her in distance.

She's still the coco I know. - glad^^

I wish you all that's good for you.

And yes can' wait to see you again.

photo by: Hiroko's Facebook

her tumblr: HIROKO.TUMBLR

Best of Friends!!

I miss them already (T-T)

My high school friends and up to now.

Can't believe they had ice cream without me hahaha just kiddin'

Can't wait to see them soon. I'll probably go there in august

on Xyrra's Birthday but who knows, I'm not 100% sure yet.

eulla, aines and jane

nyahahha this is cute!!..xyrra in the middle!

i wanted them to be here though^^,


photo by Aines Facebook

I really like the rain now.

I can imagine if the (he)rain and the (she)leaves are lovers,

then she patiently wait for him to come just to kiss her for some time

and even though she knows

it will took months or next season for him to come back again.

True Love does wait more than patience itself.

-i simply want to learn how this works. Days are counting.

so then, it won't be too painful. I want to get stronger!

I bought a new coffee cup finally..wew the last cap I had was not broken or

thrown if that's what you guess, I made it as a spoon and fork holder because I

can't find a cute holder of it! -- yeah it's pretty important that everything in my

little house looks cute as posible.

So what you think?..this P17.50 cup is not bad ayt? :)

remember the plants which was given to me for a "get well soon" gift?
say "Hi!" to her again. I finally research what its name -- Vietnam Rose.
But the photos I've seen there had more petals like a mini rose..this one has one
layer in it and it has a star-like polen in the middle so this might be their cousin flower.
NOTE: look closely the flowers are all now dark pink right?..actually i LOST all the carnation pink, they died and I don't know why!?..the yellow and this dark pink flower remains.


oh well see Mr. Cactus in the middle?...
Yup! I added him in the flower so he won't be alone plus that looks like
it's flower is pink. hahaha Hope they'll last on me~

visited my co-workers before at McDonalds as I promise them last week
I ate my breakfast there for us to chat a bit long.
yeah this is budget meal P50 but I upgraded the drinks to float.

I miss this place - making me tired and so on.
They're asking me to come back again, the new hiring will begin this end of August.
I'm not sure about it.
Though I really love to get back again.
We'll see (^^,)v

early monday :)

yes i woke up 2:50am today!

i was hungry my tummy woke me up just to eat early haha!

i slept early last night and forgot to eat dinner so here I am on my laptop

reading blogs + blogging , checking mails, facebook, and i'll read mangga today

if I will have time ;)

i finally got this convertible laptop table yesterday from CD-R King media store, its fearures are great acrually it can be folded half by this size and can easily fit on my laptop bag so i happy! and plus i can put my coffee or drinks beside it without leeking on my ai-chan(my laptop's name)..simply great!. Since I dont have a table to put ai-chan on i think this one is good enough for her to sit. And thanks ma, this is just great :D Have a great trip there:)

oh this book is really nice :)

purchase from National Bookstore yesterday too for P50 and some

great facts I enjoyed reading..i'll try to remember everything on it!

what a weekend!

arrrgghh!!..because I can't find any connection in Basud I might ended up typing longer now than expected. Oh well lets start!

This is pretty exciting too you know why?

- coz I'm having CHOCO ALMOND FUDGE ice cream while typing this!

*bleee :P yummmm!

so lets start at friday afternoon:

we had a seminar in legazpi today but after that I had to go home

because Mom wants me to help her with some money matters so I did go

even I have no money at all I just borrow a lil from a friend.

I ask cj to fetch me when I get in Basud but that story turn out to be

a MISUNDERSTANDING again- yay!!

because I was busy on cleaning my unit before i go, I haven't

been looking on my mobile since I told him I'll txt him the

moment I reach in terminal..

And yes, he waited for 30mins or so for my reply because he might

fall asleep which I really don't like so he got pissed again on me

because he hates waiting.

so there you go...a lil misunderstanding that fades after a night and when we

went back together in Naga on Saturday afternoon.

after grocery, we take-out dinner at MAX's restaurant.

wew he's mood is quite cool now here - maybe the aircondition helps - haha kidding'

note: he didnt talk with me though the whole night and morning haha :)

well it's ok..somehow I'm getting use of his drama or hatred on waiting.

And he's the one who texted me first and asked if we're going to Naga or not haha :)

saturday in Basud (morning):

it rained the whole day exept early morning.

I woke up 4:33am but decided to lay for some more but I'm hungry already! XD

I didn't ate dinner last night, there was no rice left for me

so I just sleep off.

exactly 5:49am I clean my self to get some breakfast at tito popoy's

house. I had bread and coffee and while having it we chatted till the time reach 7:40am.

I decided to go in Bagasbas beach today before I get the money mom send for us.

I sketched a bit..the sun is not out yet and I like how the water was calm

and sitting on the wall makes my mind at ease for the moment.

After sketching at Bagasbas and eating taho I decided to get back to get the money. Guess what happened on my way to Western Union?

HOllymolly I left my wallet at tito popoys store haha!

when I was going to buy the sampaguita flower before heading to Western,

I looked on my bag and found out there was NO WALLET IN IT!!

I ask the kid to wait for me although it will take some time

before I get back there haha..and ofcourse I can't get the money

without any ID in hand so I drove back - geez crazy!!

the kid waited for me patiently for

a P15 sampaguita flower I knew how important that was

so I drove fast and carefully for her to sold someon me. I hope it helps.

ah, Godbless her :)

So I saw our house transforming little by little, saw and talked with my family,

had a little fight, slept like princess, drove on motorcycle alone, saw the beach,

sketch a bit, rained alot!, eat new dish and get back with cj in naga after = GREAT WEEKEND!!

seriously Brigette you're pissing me off with your CRAZINESS!

Ahuh! I know already that we're both crazy in terms of food and shopping,

haircuts, cute toys and stuffs but you're being naive

and hell like super duper guper CRAZY!

whatever you say don't convince me ok?

It's Friday tomorrow, and you're already a week absent

do you think that's friggin cool huh?

Let me tell you, I haven't been exercising alot so

I guess I have to do it tomorrow!

YES ITS A WARNING!:

IF I DON'T SEE YOUR STUPID HEAD TOMORROW,

I'LL COME AND CLIMB UP TO YOUR ROOM EVEN I WONT

USE YOUR STAIRS! YEP! I'LL DO THAT!

just for real, stop it ok?..

i'm really humble asking this to you :D

i know HE'S the PRINCE you wanted but damn

he DON'T WANT YOU TO BE THE PRINCESS anymore.

so let go ok?..it's enough pain already.

dont think that I can only say this because I'm happy with my relationship

and yours was torn and burn up, but I know it will

only get worse if you continue this.

He's somehow right - he just can't lie to you anymore.

I know how HARD is that..believe me there's no use

seeing him moving on and you're left behind so wasted!

I can't let that be brigette..so please come to school

tomorrow or atleast talk with me ok?

let's talk about it ok?

P.S

i'll come! i'll bring ice cream and *kwek2 for you~

and the SUN is waiting outside for you.

sunday let's karaoke!!

*kwek2: is a boiled quail egg with orange-colored flour mix with salt and pepper a filipino snack. And its my all-time favorite to give for my friends.

*Brigette: one of my close friend in school. She's vibrant and crazy as me but suddenly broke up with his long time boyfriend and attempting to die - stupid!!!!

am I not doing my best?

(L to R: emily,jessica, christian(yayu) and jenny)

lately as I look on my sister and brother's photo this question won't get off my mind :

AM I NOT DOING MY BEST TO BE THEIR ATE(sister)?

I don't know if I'm thinking too much or I just miss them or was it just I'm

shocked whenever I will compare their photos before and now.

They GREW up sooo fast - and I can't help to feel annoyed on how

I am thousand miles away from them and without knowing their likes and hates.

You can't help it right? I'M HERE, ALWAYS HERE - AND THEY'RE THERE.

Philippines VS Canada - that's far I'm telling you.

perhaps I think only for myself - I don't know.

I feel like whenever I haven't talked with them for weeks, there's always:

changes,

new attitude,

everything almost everything I will miss.

Now I'm not so sure if they trust me to be the big ate.

I feel like I'm not doing any special for them.

Arggggggghhh!!!!

Seriously I DON'T WANT THIS SITUATION!

I don't want them to feel I'm not there..at their backs.

helping on their homeworks, some facts need to know, artworks,

girl stuffs, hair styling, friends..etc.

I'M SORRY my little sisters and yayu if ate joy is always not there.

It won't be too long I'll be there...I promise to run as fast as I could just

to reach you where you guys are running now.

I just miss you all badly.

Ate Joy is tired now actually, if only you guys were here..this will be gone after

some hugs and kisses from all of you <3

I know and feel you guys are doing your best even its really hard to grow

right?..I know, ate knows it well. I promise to catch up as soon as I can.

kitty in naga

(her head is quite heavy to hold - it always turn down)

[*this kitty was also a gift on my 15th bday from papa paulo- i'm now 20 haha]

yehey!!..Welcome in Naga Kitty!

haha just so you know I'm a big fan of her since I was a kid.
I guess most of us do fall over on her round, cuddly, cute face..

and her eyes it really please everyone..

I don't have much of this collection

but before when my mom was in Japan

all of our stuffs she gave us were HK signatures - which was a HIT for me.

since then I would always adore her till now.

I bought a huge bag for her when I was in Basud.

I did stuffed her a bit inside to to fit her but I'm glad she managed herself

inside plus I gave her a shower when she got here - a lil refreshment!
hahaha gladly the sun helps alot to dry her up I was a bit worried

because the rain might not help - but it turned out great!

Ah, I'm just glad you're here to accompany me kitty..

I'll be more relaxed after school :D.

Happy birthday Memily~

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRINCESS EMILY~

haha she really loves sweets!! and chocolates although its bad for her

but i'm sure now shes eating tons of it! hay ice cake! can i have some!!

with her glowie!...she can't sleep without it..

I hope you had a wonderful day^^

sorry ate was not there to greet you...

i let my kisses and hugs fly there already hope it came

on time!

adopting or not?

(Hi there puppy..I need to think first if I'm ready again - u r lovely though^^)

I am pretty undecided to adopt again..

it's not been so long since Bruno(my 2nd dog who was dognapped) was with me

and I'm not really sure on this one..

I wanted to get a puppy on my birthday but I want a Labrador one.

Hay, Tita Devie's Dog Stacey(who was Bruno's mom) gave birth again 3 days ago.

She asked me if I will adopt this almost like dalmatian pup~..

Basud this Sunday

(while waiting for the pizza 15 mins!! - I'M STARVING!!)

although he came here today to visit me, we went back home in Basud together. We bought pizza "cheesy bacon" - yeah i know the unhealthy dinner.
but i really want pizza tonight!!

(hay naku it took too long waiting fot the pizza to be cooked and here we are sitting on mister donut)

after taking this, 3 minutes later the pizza was done!

'yay!! finally after almost 2 months haha~

So when we started to walk on our way home hollymolly!!
my blood is rushing like waterfall seriously!
i have my period today so when we were walking I was in serious
pain my God I actually sit 2 times on our way.
Cj was worried he don't know what to do..hehe
I told him it'll be fine soon..and i was! wew~

at last I'm home - 2 weeks already.

here are what I'm excited to see:
(our wall is starting to rise and start its shape wee!)

that is tito junjun fixing something there

this is the second thing I'm exiceted bout and miss here:
MY JURI!! (1st dog)

(been 2 weeks since I last saw u and hug - I miss you^^.)

(pretty wild when he always see me..hehe 6 yrs old Juri)

Dad get well soon T-T

The fact that I've been missing you so much is a big pain in me already.

And this news of your heart attack, It was painfull to think.

I really wanted to come there and help you both in this struggle but I hope you'll be strong enough to wait for me ok dad?..

I know it's hard..but I know also you can fight for it - sooo suree!!

I LOVE YOU DAD...GET WELL SOON!

what to do?

if it happens..

am i READY?

no..the PAIN, TRUST, LOVE..

this will be judged again, I have to find the solution.

this is to be taken seriously - time is running

and yes I'm chasing it..run faster!!!

or else I'll have to stop breathing.

what am i going to do?..what?

i am always like...like this?

..whenever you feel and have the chance to appreaciates everysingle little time for someone you love or someone you care for, please do so,never ever take advantages for whom you love and care the most 'cause you never ever know one day...that.. the devostating ..one day life we borrowed from "him" is will come to be ...
- JOY HODGETTS

(my mom) she really knows what I feel. *thankful

If you have the Grip on the sky,

Hold it tightly - you'll never know

when is the next Sky will come to let you Hold again.

woot woot!

we watched movie :Sorcerer's Apprentis(which was one of the awesome casting spells, magic films I've watched!)

and here is the white rose i love:


tomorrow is our 16th month together^^,
yep to be honest we're laughing hard today on how long we will gonna stay together in love like this. Cj said we should never predict but as much as I know right now, "you're the only person I learned to love like this..no less in more." - weee it was touching, yeah I bet I never heard anyone said it to me..haha so it was a blush on my cheeks~

he visit me today with a 3pcs of rose ans 2 dozens of jellyace *ahaha which he always did..but last month he didn't have the time to get one and we're both busy that time. Although we didn't see each other the exact date it's ok..it's no less 24 hours on the exact time.

I was pretty surprise actually. He bring the flower from DAET to NAGA.
I bet he didnt sleep in the van for 2 hours - because the flowers were nice and even the newspaper cover of it was not folded or crumped.

I WAS HAPPY TODAY~..just this little time we had. I was off to the stressworld..just for a while.^^,